Why the Pressure?

My ex called me today. It's funny, because she calls me every now and then, and she always wants to make a big thing about how we're still friends, and have to make an effort to see each other, and keep in touch and so on and so forth. The thing is, she can never just call and say hi. She always has to slip in all this stuff about her great new social life, professional life, love life. I sometimes think that she's trying to make me jealous. I mean, she's not stupid, she knows I don't want to hear any of that, about how great she's doing without me, how happy she is, and certainly not about the new man in her life. But the thing is, she's not trying to make me jealous. She's trying to get one over on me. That's weird, isn't it? That kind of macho rivalry from an ex-girlfriend! It's good though, because as much as she's burying herself in all this stuff, it's all a front to hide the fact from herself that she still hasn't actually faced up to any of her problems. She's still a scared little girl trying to make her way through the world with bluff and bluster. And any time anyone gets close enough to start to get a peak through that exterior at the broken and scarred thing that cowers inside, she jumps ship and builds a new false life elsewhere.

So no, she's not doing great at all. She's just running, only this time in another direction. Eventually she'll run out of track in that direction, and have to turn again. Me, I'm facing up to the pain. And yeah, even after all this time it still hurts. But at least I've got my eyes open, and I know that in spite of how much it hurts, and how much I'd love to just sit here and feel sorry for myself and cry until the world swallows me, or do what she's doing, and build up a group of superficial friends and a superficial life, I know that in spite of all that, I'm still getting my shit together and fighting my way through. I'm keeping my eye on the prize, and taking the steps, as hard as they may be, toward where I want to be.

And I'm proud of that.