State of Play

Hi No-one!

My life is very strange at the moment. Last week I moved out of the flat with my ex. It's really strange because I miss her every day. I still love her, despite how much she hurt me towards the end. Without trying to be too dramatic, I've kind of had my whole world ripped out from under me, and I'm floating in a bizarre limbo without any idea of how to claw my way back to the world and start building a life for myself again.

It's not all about her. We met in the third year of university, just as I'd got to a point where I'd started to get used to the idea of being on my own. I was planning to go to Japan for a year after I'd finished my degree to teach English as a Foreign Language, and then just see what happened when I got back. The only thing I've ever really wanted to do was work in Film and TV, but when we got together all that changed. I had a serious girlfriend, and bumming around hoping something inspiring would come along was no longer an option. So, I decided to opt for the nice, stable, respectable career of teaching physics, so that we could build a life together and have a stable home. It was a fiarytale come true; she was going to be a teacher as well, and we'd have the same holidays (15 weeks of them every year!) and spend our time off travelling the world and working on our own creative projects. Everything was perfect.

I lined up a job as a trainee teacher in Bath, because we decided it was a place we'd both like to live. I'm not really that fussed about where I live, because I know that if you don't like a place, you can move and try somewhere else. But for her, it was either Bath or Nottingham, and I just didn't fancy the idea of Nottingham, so Bath it was. After we finished university (our fourth year by this point - she'd had to defer her final year and I started a Masters), we moved into her parents house for six months. This wasn't so bad; I get on fantastically with them and they made me feel like a son. This was great in terms of living there, but not so good in terms of our relationship. As with any new relationship, sex was a staple part of our lifestyle when we first got together, but wild nights of passion weren't really an option at her parents house. At the time I thought that this wasn't that big a problem, and that when we moved into our own place we could bring back the magic. I realise now how much of a strain this put on the relationship, even though I didn't see it at the time. A woman has her needs, and wants to be made to feel sexy and wanted.

But that wasn't the only problem. Once we got into the flat, the preasures of real life started to weigh down on her. She'd never had to fend for herself before, she'd always had a large group of friends around and her parents to fall back on. She just wasn't cut out for the strain of having to build a life for yourself in a new town from scratch, as well as dealing with the realities of responsibility. Meanwhile, I was becoming desperately unhappy on my path to a teaching career. It wasn't something I wanted to do, and with the realtionship breaking down, I was seriously starting to doubt whether or not I could get through it without her love and support, especially seeing as she was making no effort to be a part of our new life together.

Eventually, we broke up. There was no arguing or shouting, and although it wasn't so much an agreement that it wasn't working (I still thought and still do think there were so many ways we could have saved it), we had a sensible discussion and agreed to be mature about it and stay in the flat together for the remaining three months of our tenancy. Part of that discussion was an agreement that neither of us would start seeing anyone else while we were still living there. And agreement that I, at least, honoured.

So now we have moved out of there, and I'm staying at my mum's while I try and figure out just what the hell it is I want to do. I know I still want to work in film, but I also want to learn a trade or practical skill to fall back on, as I've got a degree and a post-graduate certificate but no qualifications! I'm not actually qualified to do anything. So where do I go from here? As soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know!

It's a funny old business, this life stuff.